For Charlie "...For You've Made a Hole Much Too Big To Mend..."

When someone we love dies, it leaves a hole in the fabric of our lives.  Only the passage of time and the good memories we have serve to partially mend that hole.  But in the case of the passing of our friend Charlie Koerber, a hole has been created that seems way too big to mend. For when you live a huge, expansive, life – full of love and joy and good will towards others -- your death is an enormous loss.  All of us feel this huge loss.  And, we will carry the memories of Charlie with us every day until it lessens a little. 

I had the good fortune to call Charlie Koerber my friend.  He was kind and smart and generous and loving, but what I remember most was – his wisdom.  How often can we say that about people?  How often can we say that we have benefited from a friend’s wisdom?  And how often can we say that the wisdom imparted truly helped us? Not often, I suspect.  We are sadly in need of more Wisdom in our lives – a concept that has become passé, I fear, a concept looked upon as a relic of past times.  I also know that I am not the only one that benefited from Charlie’s wisdom.  I know that a number of his friends, who at one time or other have experienced a “crisis of faith”, sought his good counsel and I know they were comforted like I was.  And for this, Charlie, we thank you.

But, it was not all solemn and scholarly with our friend. (Although Charlie was also one of the truest scholars I knew.)  Let’s remember his love of laughter and a good joke and his ability to regale us with stories of days past & his adventures in the Vatican, New York City and the VA. Given all the many stories we all heard and loved, some years ago, a group of Charlie’s friends decided to make a film for him.  In spite of the fact that our film making skills were meager and our acting even worse, we put together a video for one of Charlie’s birthdays.  It was spectacular, mostly because we had the fabulous script of Charlie’s life.  In preparation, we gathered at the Epstein’s beach house and dressed as Nuns and Priests and even the Pope.  We played out the saga of Charlie’s life complete with a musical background.  I remember the night of the party, all of the actors gathered at Marlene’s eager for the debut of the film and the chance to bask in the reflected glory of Charlie’s life & our cinematic skills.  Suddenly we looked around the room and saw that it was filled with Doctors and Professors and high-ranking officials of the Dept. of Veterans Affairs.  That gave us pause, we thought, “Oh No, how is this thing going to play out among all these important and influential people?”  As the film rolled and our Dear (now also departed…) Stan dressed in a Bee costume, began to narrate Charlie’s life, accompanied by scenes of Shari and me dressed as Nuns and my ex-husband as the Pope (giving benediction (w/ my hairbrush) to the crowds from the loft of the Epstein’s beach house.), there was complete silence.  But, our fear was short-lived, almost immediately Charlie’s huge, booming laugh rolled across the room and soon everyone joined in.  He was delighted that this rag tag set of would be actors & directors had thought his life worthy of a film! 

Yes, Charlie loved his friends; a good meal; his family; a drink; a good book and a good laugh.  He made our lives brighter.  The help and assistance he gave to those he knew, those he knew well and those he didn’t know at all will always be remembered.  He touched us, he touched many people and as a result we will never forget him. 

So in your eternal rest, Charlie, raise your glass, have some jumbo shrimp, tell one of your stories, and continue to inspire us for as long as we shall live.  

I'm just saying...

The Salt Monster Is No More

There was a very early Star Trek episode called “The Man Trap”.  In this episode, a shape-shifting, salt-hungry creature terrorizes the crew of the Enterprise.  The creature cannot live without salt and resorts to romancing humans (yes, even Capt. Kirk and Dr. Mc Coy!) so that she can shape shift back into her monster form and suck all the sodium from their bodies.  Fortunately she didn’t suck the salt out of Kirk and Bones, but some minor crewmen were not so lucky. 

I used to laughingly refer to myself as the “Salt Monster” (all Star Trek fans knew this show by that name) given my love of and craving for all things salty.  Yes, I’m one of those people who puts salt on watermelon, apples, and raw carrots.  I could skip the “golden buttery flavoring" for movie popcorn, but never the extra salt.”  I recently started buying this product called Jane’s Krazy Mixed-up Seasonings – it has herbs, spices, onion & garlic in it but it mostly has – SALT!  I’m always the person at the table who says “Pass the salt.” And later, if you’re looking for the salt, it’s most likely by my plate. 

Why am I talking about salt?  Well, because last week I drove myself to the ER after having two very bad nosebleeds in one day.  It turned out that my problem wasn’t so much the nosebleeds; the problem was that I came in with a blood pressure (BP) of 180 over something and left with it at 160 over something.  Of course I heeded their advice to call my Doc the next day and now I’ve been taking my BP everyday for 3 days.  It continues to stay high and now I’m freaking out and probably contributing to the problem. 

What I want to know is how does someone who always had perfect BP suddenly have high BP?  Is it because I just went thru a stressful period of moving?  Is it Jane’s Krazy Salt?  Have I become a Shape Shifter?  Or am I just freaking old?  Yeah, I think it’s the last one.  I read somewhere that the longer you live the more inclined you are to high BP, high Cholesterol, and Diabetes.  And this is in spite of my generations’ willingness to cut out smoking, overeating and being a couch potato.  I don’t smoke, I drink very little, I don’t fry foods or bake cakes for my consumption anymore, and I try to exercise.  I thought I was going to get a pass on taking a handful of meds every day like my parents.  I guess not. 

It’s only been three days, I tell myself.  But I feel headachy and weird even though I ate oatmeal this morning -- I hate oatmeal!  Last night I spent hours on Web MD reading about symptoms and comparing them to mind.  I also found info on the DASH (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension) Diet made famous by the Mayo Clinic.  There were a few sample menus, but not enough to get a real feel. 

I was out this morning first thing to visit Barnes and Noble where I purchased The Dash Diet Action Plan by Marla Heller, MS, RD and The Everything Dash Diet Cookbook authored by two MDs.  I might add that Barnes and Noble is connected to a Starbucks and I did not have my regular coffee (somewhere in my readings I saw that coffee was “BAD”.) 

I consulted with my friend Mike who has struggled with this problem and he had lots of good advice.  He keeps sodium intake to 15-1800 mgs a day.  He warned me I’d be astonished at what foods contain salt.  He’s right!  I threw a yogurt, a diet coke and a bottle of water into my bag for my lunch so as not to be tempted to eat out.  After I ate, I found that all but the water contained salt!  Yogurt has salt?  Who knew? 

Oh my, I can see it stretching before me – a lifetime of label reading and denying myself all my favorite treats.  It’s true that all semblances of normal eating and routine exercise flew out the window over the last few months as I prepared to sell my house and move to a new place.  I quit going to my weight lifting class; we ordered pizza and ate out more; and all my restful routines and lazy afternoons disappeared in a flurry of activity and trips to the container store.  I was consumed with 100s of details that come with a move.  I’m trying to tell myself that I have neglected my normal good habits and may have brought this on myself.  I know that, but it’s still disturbing. 

I so wanted to get back to writing this blog again and now that I’ve written one – it’s not even amusing.  Oh well, just had to be said.  Hope to rally and get back to my usual up-beat self. 

Now, what to make for dinner…

I’m just saying. 

Dream a Little Dream with Me

There is nothing more dismal than a friend who greets you with "Let me tell you about the dream I had last night..."  Even Seinfeld did a piece about it in a show where Elaine tells Jerry she dreamt he had “wooden teeth”.  Of course it’s other people’s dreams that we dread, who doesn’t love their own world of dreams?  You start out at the dentist and within seconds are sitting on the deck of a beach house you once rented in the Outer Banks.  The amount of morphing and transporting that goes on in dreams is part of their allure.  Not to mention the unlikely pairings – you order coffee from a barista who looks like Mickey Rourke or you and Beyonce are in a taxi driven by your third grade teacher.  Almost everyone has had that kind of goofy dream.  But, I do believe that our dreams are indicative of what is going on and often provide an answer, solution or closure that has previously eluded us.  Anyone who has “dabbled” in the therapeutic world has been told “Remember your dreams.”

I dream nightly and frequently I awake from what many times seems like an all night trip to the multi-plex.  Often I don’t give my dreams a second thought, and they slip from my memory quite quickly.  But, every once in a while a dream sticks with me; I’ve even written some down.  Last night I had an extraordinarily vivid dream about my recently deceased friend, Polly (See blog post, 9/18/12) her daughter (also my friend), Kae, and our mutual friend Nancy  

 Nancy and I (transported back to our youth and rural hometown) are leaving an event on Marshall Hall Road (inexplicitly accompanied by a man I worked with 15 year ago.).  We bid him farewell and decide to visit Kae.  We find her neighborhood under construction and her childhood home transformed into an apartment building. We head down a corridor and a workman, renovating her bedroom and bath, directs us to the living area.  The living room opens onto a small lap pool.  Kae sits on the edge of the pool in the midst of 3 frolicking dogs -- a huge curly-haired dog (could it be Bo?) and two little dogs.  We play with the dogs until I make my way to the back of the house and find a very comfy sitting room.  There Polly greets me and says "Isn't this cozy; look how nice it is here." And it is, complete with open windows & curtains blowing gently in the breeze. I am charmed and remark, "It's great, now you don't have to leave?"

As is the case with dreams, it just ends.  Upon waking, I wonder for a moment, was this about Polly leaving in the ultimate sense?  I guess you don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to figure it out -- Yes!  I don’t want her to leave, but in spite of dreaming up a renovation that includes a lap pool, she left.  The up side is that the dream assures me that her leaving is not so bad. 

I share this not to sadden anyone (especially Kae), but to announce that Polly has joined the pantheon of my dreams.  A place where my parents, dear friend Stan and my husband’s brother have joined me in the stands at baseball games and the President’s dog can play a small role.  I don’t know about others, but I dream of my dearly departed often.  Many have been gone for some time… My pleasure with my Polly dream is evident, she’s in a comfy, airy, pleasant space that she loves, and I take that as a good sign.

I’m just saying…